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I had a period of turmoil with my work for the past two years because of the COVID-19 pandemic. The unstable working hours threatened my BRS study, and I was left with no time for study and the tremendous course works. There have been many times I thought I couldn’t make it through the semesters. As I struggled between quitting work or study, I keep praying for God’s guidance. I asked God if this is His will to let me study the BRS, or did He so love me that He gives me freedom to satisfy my selfish desire at the expenses of my work, family and church services. I felt unsafe and worried.
Whenever I read the Exodus, I used to doubt why the Israelites have such “shallow” faith. Every time when they asked God for help, God helps them, but they turned away after getting what they wanted. Couldn’t they see God’s presence with them in the wilderness? Didn’t God speak to them through the prophets? Didn’t God do mighty miracles for their eyes? How can they be so forgetful! One day while I was praying, I was shocked to discover I’m no difference with the Israelites. I lose faith every time I’m threatened, overseeing that God too had led me through all difficulties during this period, and I could finally make it through to the 4th year of study. Wasn’t myself one of those people in the wilderness who could not stand the tests? Didn’t He carry me on His back challenges after challenges? I almost forgot my favorite poster “foot print in the sand” which I hanged in my study. I know He is the one who carries me and left His footprint in the sand in my most difficult times. Upon this, I asked for forgiveness and prayed for more faith. I thanked God for granting me my version of Exodus and I pray for the strength so I won’t repeat the same mistake in the future.
After some peaceful moments, we entered into the 3rd semester. When it seems I can go according to my timetable to prepare for the final exam amidst the tight course schedule and the seemingly never-ending course works and thesis, here comes another crisis. This time the test arises from my family, which I have no doubt should be on top the list of all my concerns. This challenge threatens my study and perhaps, graduation too. Surprisingly, I feel very peaceful this time and learnt to put this in the hand of God. I know I will be very sad to leave school but I’ll accept what He meant for me. I remembered what I learnt when I write my thesis on The Book of Esther. It is one of my favorite books in the Bible. Esther and Mordecai remained faithful to God in their diaspora and at times of difficulties, because they knew God will never abandon his people. The book reminded the Jews to trust in God’s providence even when they can’t see Him working. This requires us to see God with the eyes of faith when He is seemingly not there. It comes clear to me God is speaking and comforting me through the Book. Esther and Mordecai are my model of trust. The Bible is my light that illuminates my path.
God, thank you for comforting me with Your words. Please forgive me of my unbelieving and grant me faith. Do not bring me to the test but deliver me from evil. Amen.
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